


The Truth of Strength

by tigercry



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga), ソードアート・オンライン - 川原礫 | Sword Art Online - Kawahara Reki
Genre: 2019, mentions killing to protect others, sinon's guilty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:46:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25244116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigercry/pseuds/tigercry
Summary: The guilt Shino Asada lives with is crippling, destroying her self-confidence and the belief in herself as she struggles day by day to control and understand why she feels so weak. So, Asuna, Argo, and Caylee offer up their support and teach her the true secret of what it means to be strong.
Relationships: Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito/Yuuki Asuna | Asuna
Kudos: 6





	The Truth of Strength

Sinon lifted her eyes from her book when she heard the sound of the three chairs at the table she was at be scooted in and found two familiar faces and a new one. Asuna's gentle amber eyes helped soothe the instinctive fear Sinon felt go through her blood and helped her relax, Argo's usual mischievous smirk made her concerned about what she was up to, and the new face made her tense up a little. "What's up?" Sinon asked and adjusted her glasses before she calmly closed her book.

The new person spoke first, her brown gaze was piercing and intelligent, but Sinon could see a nearly invisible haunted gleam in those chocolate brown eyes. Hardened by her past, something only someone like Sinon could see. "I'm here to help you," she spoke in a rather emotionally distant tone, "I'm just like you."

Sinon's eyebrows furrowed and she glanced rather uneasily at Asuna and Argo, not really sure what to think with that introduction.

Asuna smiled encouragingly, "Shino, meet Caylee, she's an SAO survivor, but more than that…"

"I have PTSD as well," Caylee said with a faint smile, not as emotionally distant as her greeting. "I know what it's like to feel weak and useless when you're actually stronger than you think you are."

Sinon's eyes widened was she serious? "W-what're you talking about?" Caylee's gaze was insistent, and Sinon couldn't see anything that would give away that she knew what it was like. How did she know anyway?

"We wanted to help," Argo told the stunned sniper, "but we don't really know how to beyond what Asuna, Liz, and Kirito already did. So we asked Caylee to come and tell her story as well, that way you can see that you're not as alone as you think you are."

Sinon looked toward Asuna again, silently asking her if what Argo was saying was true.

"Caylee already knew," Asuna told her and gently touched her shoulder, "we didn't have to tell her anything."

"I already knew because Kirito asked me for my opinion," Caylee told the sniper, "because I have a trigger that's an object, just like you. But while your trigger is a pistol or gun, mine is a blade, like a knife or a sword." She smiled weakly, "ironic that I was in SAO now isn't it?"

Sinon looked a little curious, "okay, but how come you two are here?"

Asuna looked a little nervous, "We're going to tell you a few stories about SAO, when we…" She hesitated and looked at Caylee and Argo for help.

Argo continued for her, her expression oddly subdued, "when we had to kill to save a life. Just like you."

Sinon looked at the three of them, stunned, "r-really?" She asked in a half hushed tone, feeling both concerned and rather touched for some odd reason. These three were like her, they carried the guilt just like she did.

* * *

Caylee started first, "SAO was a nightmare. I entered the game with Argo after we found out it was a death game because I was part of the reason people couldn't hack through and get players out. In the game, I was called the Hacker because I could hack while others couldn't because I code in a specialized language that's hard to block. However, I learned quickly that I was going to have to find a weapon that wasn't a sword." She pushed her glasses further up her nose, "when I was twelve both of my parents were killed. Killed with a knife you could classify as a dagger. I heard crashing in the middle of the night and went running down the stairs at my mother's scream."

Sinon blinked, but listened carefully, drawn into the story as she began to understand that she was just like her.

"I was angry, and my mind kind of stopped working. All I knew at that moment was that my world was crashing down on top of my shoulders and those two black-hooded men where the reason for it so I attacked them with the discarded knife." Caylee tilted her head down in shame, "admittedly I don't remember all the details of what happened and what exactly I did, all I remember is being furious and that my family was gone before I lifted by a police officer from behind and pinned to the ground sobbing." Caylee left out a lot of the details, likely trying to make it seem not as bad as it really was. "I then found myself at a police station sitting by myself on a cold chair confused and dazed with blood all over my hands and shirt, my hands cuffed together and one of my shoulders aching from being stabbed myself."

Argo picked up the story, "My parents got called that my friend was sitting alone at the station with blood all over her clothes, and so they panicked and brought me there with them along with some clothes and stuff. When I got there I hardly recognized her, she was so disoriented and confused that I almost didn't recognize my childhood friend. My parents went to talk to the police officers while I approached Caylee and asked her what happened, only to find out that she didn't know."

"I had no idea where the blood on my clothes had come from, I didn't remember anything more than my parents being killed and me picking up the discarded knife." Caylee explained, "for the incident, I was a walking blank, I had no idea what happened other than being accused by the police that I was a killer. I'm so grateful for Argo's parents because they literally saved my life, but even after I wasn't put into juvie and that killing one of the men and putting the other into a hospital was self-defense, it wasn't over. I was brought to the surviving guy and was told what happened by the guy and couldn't believe my ears. I attacked them and apparently didn't stop. Inside that moment, I had lost my mind, and when they showed me the knife I couldn't believe it and didn't want to. I was deathly terrified that any time I touched a knife death would follow, and so I would panic and freak out any time I held a knife in my hands." She looked up at Sinon, whose expression was a mix of horror and understanding, "I don't see the person I killed when I hold a knife because I don't know who it was, instead I become keenly aware that I can't control what will happen if I hold one. As far as I know, I turn into this raging lunatic and kill when I have a knife. It's a stupidly irrational kind of thing to fear, but that's what makes it a fear."

Sinon nodded, she understood what that was like. She saw the robber from the post office every time she picked up a gun, but more than that she was terrified that she would kill another if she held another pistol in her hands.

"Anyway, SAO was terrible but helped make the fear fade, but the incident with Sugou was the point where my fears came true and gave me a renewal of that fear I felt when holding a knife. Sugou is the man that Kirito would have killed if he had been able to and instead I did."

Sinon felt a chill go down her spine, "Why?" She asked in a rather strained low tone, "why did you k-kill him?" She asked, stumbling over the word kill.

Sinon saw Caylee swallow hard before she explained. "Sugou trapped Asuna in another VRMMORG called ALHeim, the old version anyway, and…" She glanced at Asuna who was rather pale in the face, "he did unmentionable things to her. I was furious and wanted him dead for all the pain and suffering he caused Yui, Kirito, and Asuna, and I knew that he would come back to make them suffer even more and by extension me for what I had done to foil his plans. So instead of letting him live and letting him have the satisfaction of getting to live and maybe one day released to ruin our lives, I killed him. With a knife that he had stabbed Kirito in the stomach with and with a torn shoulder from him shooting me to get to Yui." Caylee clasped her hands together to make the visible shaking stop and looked at Sinon, "that horrible man was trying to kill Kirito, Yui, and Argo, and I wasn't going to let that happen, so I killed him too. Kirito wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he had and so instead I took it on myself. So now I see Sugou's cackling face whenever I hold a knife or sword. Pretty crazy right?" She said with a strained smile to break the tension in the air.

Sinon nodded again and processed what she had been told. "Do you… do you feel weak because you can't control it then? Because you don't know what'll happen if you hold the knife?"

Caylee nodded, "I used to, for years I thought I was the weakest person around because I couldn't hold a knife properly without turning as white as a sheet and trembling like a leaf. However, I have lots of friends and an annoying childhood friend who reminds me every day that if I hadn't killed Sugou than either he would've killed them and or Kirito wouldn't be able to live with himself. Surrounding yourself with multitudes of support is how you get stronger and keep on going."

Sinon smiled a little, "that makes sense, I… I never thought about it like that before."

Asuna smiled, "If you don't then it eats you from the inside out Sinon,"

"Asuna would know," Argo pointed out, "she did have to kill Kuradeel to save Kirito in SAO."

Sinon quickly looked over at the gentle-hearted girl, it was hard to believe that Asuna had indeed killed in SAO. The kind-hearted girl in front of her had killed in the game too?"

Asuna looked a little nervous but she did give a faint smile in confirmation, "Yeah… To be honest I forgot about that till today."

Sinon's eyes widened, "how?!" She slammed her hands down onto the table and leaned toward her, "how can you forget about it and not have it bother you every day?"

Asuna looked a little surprised before she coughed into one of her hands and responded, "um, mainly because I had to. If I hadn't then I never would have gotten a chance to be with Kirito and tell him that I love him." Her cheeks pinkened at the last phrase but she continued, "if I hadn't gotten there when I had and killed Kuradeel to protect Kirito then Kirito would've been killed in the game and none of us would've escaped the game alive. I only wanted to beat SAO because Kirito wanted to." She fidgeted a little, "SAO is still where I felt the most at home, where I really belong. So without Kirito, I don't know what I would've done." The caramel haired girl refrained from saying what she had told Kirito just before their fight with the Skull Reaper.

" _I would've killed myself! I never would have forgiven myself for staying behind so what would be the point in living?"_

"I ended up stabbing Kuradeel through the back with my rapier Lambent Light," Asuna explained to Sinon, her voice wavering a little at remembering the pain of actually killing him. "And doing so shattered my confidence in my own actions for the day were it not for Kirito. He comforted me that night, and I realized something. If I hadn't killed Kuradeel them it would've crushed Kirito if I had died and or if he had killed him instead. I'm not stronger than Kirito," Asuna said at the look on Sinon's face, "the only difference between us is that I refuse to let my actions haunt me where Kirito guilt trips himself for every mistake he makes and everything he had to do in SAO. I made my decisions in that game to survive and for Kirito. I can forget about killed Kuradeel because seeing Kirito standing next to me reminds me that I did it to keep him safe."

"Think about it Sinon," Argo spoke, "if you hadn't shot that robber then it's likely that nobody in that post office would have survived. Without you, Kirito would've died to DeathGun, and Kyouji would've never been seen for his mental issues and make him feel better. The little girl would've never smiled and told her mother who much she loves her, and your mother wouldn't have been able to see you grow up into the strong person you are today." The blonde smiled at her, "we all feel weaker than we actually are, and you Sinon, are just as strong as Kirito, Asuna, Caylee, and I." The smaller girl reached over and grabbed her hand, "you are an honorary SAO survivor because you are stronger than all of us."

Tears gathered in Sinon's eyes and she ducked her head to hide them, only to have Asuna pull her into a tight hug and brush her fingers through her short black hair. "You're not alone anymore, we're all right here to help you whenever you need it Shino… We're always here for you."


End file.
